Lovenado Chronicles: Compilation Edition
by Bosspon
Summary: The Monado first loved Shulk. And then, well, everybody else across the multiverse started to love him as well. Then Shulk grew afraid and the Bionis was covered in sandwiches. Rated M because I can do whatever I want.
1. Chapter 1

**Lovenado Chronicles**

**Chapter 1 (Partially written by Solfiner): What am I doing with my life?**

* * *

Shulk was the only one the Monado would let hold it. It only wanted Shulk, and Shulk only wanted it. Every time Shulk called its name, Monado felt happy. Needed. But over time, as they ventured together, Monado began to doubt.

_'When he holds me, does he see me as just a tool? Or am I more than that to him?' _

"Monado, lend me your power," Shulk exclaimed as he raised his Monado.

But alas, the Monado did not lend him his power. The fight was then left to Reyn, as Shulk tried to discover what was wrong with his beloved weapon.

"I can no longer work for you. You don't need me. You need my power," the Monado said. Shulk shook his head fervently.

"No! That isn't true! I-I need you, Monado. No other sword will do. Even if you have no power, I'll use you anyway!"

"Shulk... Who do you like more? Me... or Fiora?"

Shulk was speechless. Was this... a confession? His heart was caught in his throat. His hands soon became clammy and covered in sweat. He knew the Monado could feel his nervousness clutching its hilt. This answer could mean everything. Would he forsake Fiora and cast her from his mind? Whom did he truly love?

"A-Answer me, b-baka!"

"I...I choose—!"

Then Hades from Kid Icarus Uprising appeared because screw you. One sexy god deserves to be with another sexy god. Hades took Shelk away from the Monado. Once they were on another part of the Bionis, She-Hulk showed his true feelings that he was really feeling.

Shulkle embraced Hades slowly.

"B-but Shulky Shul-" Hades began before being interrupted by Shulk.

"It's okay Hades. No one can see us here. We can finally be ourselves."

Shulks lips slowly moved towards Hades mouth.

"No, Shulk! It's me you're supposed to like, baka!" The Monado exclaimed, interrupted the lovers' midnight meeting.

"N-No, I can explain! I—"

Shulk was cut off by Hades suddenly moving closer. As he embraced Shulk, he eyed the Monado with pity.

"Explain what, Shulky Shulk? We were **meant to be together. Forever..."**

Shulk gulped. Caught between a sword and a hard place, he had no options left.

Suddenly, Hades threw the Monado over the cliffside!

Before Shulk could react, he was pinned to the ground by his lover.

"You promised me that our love was eternal, Shulk!"

Before Shulk had a chance to respond, Hades started to furiously make out with him.

Then, all of a sudden, something strange began to happen.

Shulk heard what appeared to be the cry of a billion distant fangirls, some excited, some raging. It was at that point in time that Fiora appeared, holding the Infinity Sandwich.

"Fi-Fiorhmph!" Shulk tried to exclaim, but Hades' rampant mouthsucking silenced him quickly. Fiora began to levitate, which Shulk found more than a little odd.

"This ship must sink. This ship cannot be allowed to float," she said almost mecho...mechanically. Suddenly Hades turned to face her, his eyes glowing with rage at his faceslobbering session being interrupted.

It was at this point that the Infinity Sandwich began to grow, multiplying exponentially at a rate faster than the eye could perceive. It was mere seconds before the sandwiches covered the entirety of the Bionis. Then, the Bionis, forced by the power of the Infinity Sandwich, began to move. It reached down and picked up the Monado delicately.

"I'm with you, sister!" The Monado said as it lent the Sandwionis its power. Hades then leapt from the Sandwionis with Shulk and got bigger grew exponentially in size as well, until he matched the Sandwionis and Mechonis in size.

"I will fight for our love, Shulky Shulk!" He proclaimed before the fight began.

* * *

A/N: Why did I write this?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: This madness is consuming me.**

Hades and the Sandwionis battled for hours, neither making any progress in the seemingly endless battle. However, their activities were not unnoticed by the their party: The Mechonis. As the two battled... it began to move.

"You'll not get your hands on my Shulky Shulk! I claimed him, so he's mine!" Hades exclaimed as he slammed his fist into the Sandwionis.

"N-No! You can't have claimed him! His precious butt is mine! I won't let you tarnish it!" The Monado exclaimed as it was used to slice into Hades forearm. But the blade did not cut deep enough.

"I'd rather you people not talk about my butt! It sounds really painful!" Shulk exclaimed from his spot on Hades' shoulder. The Monado cut into Hades one more time, the impact strong enough to knock Shulk clean off the god's shoulder. As he fell, Shulk began to relax.

'Finally. Just let this nightmare end...' Shulk thought as he plummeted towards the endless ocean.

Then, all of a sudden, he stopped falling. Confused, Shulk looked around for the cause of this phenomenon. Lo and behold, there was an ominous pair floating behind him, their hoods up and covering their faces. The hoods fell back all of a sudden, revealing two faces Shulk did not want to see at this point in time.

"It's time to tip the scales!" They simultaneously exclaimed. They were a male and female with white hair... Technically, they were the same person.

"Robin and Robin, huh? Looks like both of you SOMEHOW managed to reach my world and find me. What do you people bloody want?!" Shulk exclaimed, finally giving up.

"Threesome!" They simultaneously gave a thumbs-up.

"SERIOUSLY?!" Shulk shouted as the titans (who were not having their time of tea) turned around to face the duo.

Hades and the Sandwionis snarled at this sudden proclamation as the Mechonis began to move behind the two, controlled by some sort of powerful magic.

"We're entering this battle too! All his parts are belong to us!" They both shouted.

And so the Great Battle for Dat Shulk Booty recommenced.

* * *

It had been a rough day for Shulk.

First the confession from his Monado, then Hades' arrival, and now Robin (times two) joining the battle for his chastity. At current, he was atop the giant Hades' shoulder, clinging for dear life as the Sandwionis, Mechonis, and Hades battled.

Finally, Shulk had enough. He let go of Hades and let himself be flung off the titan. This was seriously getting ridiculous.

However, his fall was cut short as he found himself in the arms of Alvis riding a Telethia?! What the heck!? Also on the Telethia was... Vanea?!

"W-What?! Alvis, what are you—"

Alvis cut off Shulk by pressing a single finger to his lips.

"Sssh. They haven't noticed you've left yet. You can go with us and escape this. At least until they all calm down," Alvis explained. Vanea nodded to this.

Shulk sighed. "Let me guess. You guys want a threesome too?"

Alvis and Vanea's eyes widened in surprise at the statement.

"How did you know?!" Vanea exclaimed.

Shulk was about the throw himself off the Telethia again when a bright light erupted from the battle between the three titans.

All of a sudden, a figure descended from the heavens.

Shulk's eyes were blinded by the brilliant, incandescent glow of the glorious figure.

For it was...

SPOILER!

Zanza?!

SPOILER END!

SPOILER!

Zanza

SPOILER END!

said, "Behold! I have come to crash the party after taking my true form.

Meanwhile, Hades, the Sandwionis, and the Robins ignored him, fighting amongst themselves once more.

So,

SPOILER

Zanza

SPOILER END!

was ignored_. _He couldn't even find his love, Shulk.

Speaking of Shulk, where was he?

* * *

**Meanwhile on the Fallen Arm...**

* * *

"Wow. I must say, Shulk, you certainly did find your Monado today. Although, I was expecting to get a little more attention," Alvis said as stretched, in bed with Shulk and Vanea. The latter two were close together and the latter of the latter, Vanea was in something people might call "Sleep Mode". Best not to call it that though. Might be considered a racial slur.

"I was stressed and I've been wanting to be able to mess around with Vanea's machinery a little, to help me understand how it works," Shulk said, frowning slightly at how clingy Alvis was getting.

"Ah, yes. I understand. By the way, a letter came for you recently," Alvis said as he pulled a letter out from under the covers.

"Where did you have that letter?!" Shulk exclaimed.

"Like I said. I was expecting to get a little more attention," Alvis said with a wink as he handed over the letter. Finding himself very much disgusted by this, he gingerly pinched a corner of the letter with two fingers and opened it quickly, touching as little of the outer papery shell as possible.

It read:

_Dear Shulk,_

_"With this letter, you are hereby invited to join our fighting competition, the Super Smash Bros. tournament. Many people have requested your presence and your popularity, unique fighting style, and gorgeous hair appeal to our target audience. However, you must register in our offices before September 13th. Failure to do so will result in you not appearing in this tournament. Thank you for your time._

_With love,_

_Nintendo"_

"Alvis, how far away is this tournament?" Shulk asked quietly.

"Well, it would take us a few thousand years or so to reach it via Telethia," Alvis responded with a frown.

"...What if we took the Bionis?" Shulk asked, a determined look setting upon his face.

"What?! You can't! There's no way you can enter that battle and escape safely! They all are after your precious butt!" Vanea exclaimed, showing that she'd been awake the entire time.

Shulk stood up, the blankets falling off his body to reveal a swimsuit underneath. Never go out without Mist Oil.

"I have to. Even if I have to sleep with all of them first, I will make it there. I promise you, fans of mine. I won't let you be disappointed!" Shulk shouted, resolved to sleep his way to the top.

Alvis shook his head.

"I think he's just happy he actually has fans. Would the word "nerd" apply here?"

Meanwhile, hidden in the shadows, a mysterious figure grinned.

This could be her chance. A chance for revenge against all those who scorned her, looked down upon her, ruined her. She'd sneak into this Smash competition too, and find the hidden Monolith responsible for her life.

Melia would have revenge for her, and every stray dobercorgi on Bionis.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Okay, I'll go with the real titles now.**

**The Chapter the Writer Forgot**

"What... what the heck was that?"

Robin awoke with a frown on her face. She'd been having a very strange series of dreams about Shulk. Not only was it weird that it was Shulk of all people, the man who loved machines more than sex, but there were so many other people in it. And there was no way she could possibly have even met all the people that appeared in i—

"Helloooooo~, Robbie," a deep, masuline voice said.

Trembling in fear, Robin turned her head.

Hades was lying there, his chest exposed as he smoked a cigar.

"You really tipped the scales, didn't you?"

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Robin screamed as she awoke a second time.

"...Why... Why are you screaming so loud? Keep it... down..." Shulk muttered beside her as he snuggled his Monado.

Robin sighed in relief. It was all a dream. Then she turned her head the other direction. Outside the window of the Smash Manor was the Mechonis and Bionis, the latter seemingly covered in an infinite amount of sandwiches. The memories started to come back to her...

She'd been fighting with her male self for Shulk's affection against Hades, Fiora and the Monado. However, she'd never been expecting Shulk to use Monado Speed and have sex with all of them in under ten minutes. He appeased literally everyone. Then she and her male self took him to Smash, much to everyone else's disappointment.

**Knock, knock.**

Suddenly, there was a knock in her door. Careful not to wake Shulk up, she crept to the door and opened it. She was greeted by a rather strange sight. Palutena and Rosalina were both nervously standing in front of her door.

"What do you guys want?" Robin asked suspiciously.

"W-Well, it's nothing serious, but... Look, he kills gods with that thing, right? And as a goddess and with Rosie here as a honorary goddess, we feel the need to... defuse the situation," Palutena said with a nervous smile. Rosalina just nodded.

Robin sighed and looked back towards Shu—

Shulk wasn't there.

There was a hole in the ceiling. It was so quiet, almost as if he'd been taken by a ninja...

"Damn it, Shiek! Dat ass is mine!" Robin yelled as she ran and leaped out the hole in the ceiling.

Palutena grinned.

"Operation Super Smashnado Lovers is going quite nicely."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Obligatory Christmas Chapter**

"Merry Christmas, Shulky-Shulk!" Hades said as he pushed forward the present. Shulk honestly had no idea how he had arrived here. The last thing he remembered was Sheike kidnapping him and locking him in a sex dungeon while the other girls of Smash Bros had tried to break him out and keep him for their own.

Now, he was in a regular living room, staring at a regular tree, with a regular Hades. In front of him was a humongous present.

"O-Okay," Shulk said as he reached for the ribbon on top of the huge box.

All of a sudden, the box exploded open and inside was...

Mumkhar, wearing a bow and Santa Hat.

"Merry Christmas, Dunbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

* * *

Shulk woke up from the fever dream to see he was in a hospital, a present on the table next to him. They must have rescued him from Shiekle.

Sighing in relief, he looked at the small box next to him. The tag read "From your Secret Santa."

Gulping down his fear, Shulk opened the box to find a small bottle that read, "Specialized God-Slaying Weapon Lube." His eyes wide, Shulk whipped his head around to see his Monado next to him in bed, as if it was waiting for something special.

Then the door opened and Alvis and Reyn walked in, followed by the female version of Robin.

"Alright, Reyn, you grab his arms. Alvis, you grab his legs. I've got the Monado!" Robin exclaimed. And, like a pack of ravenous, sexy wolves, they descended. Held down, Shulk could only watch as the Monado was lubed up, ready for a painful, tactical insertion.

"I OBJECT TO THIS MADNESS!"

Suddenly, a corner of the room exploded and Hades floated in from the outside, dressed as Santa. There was a giant bag on his shoulder. He pulled from the bag a Chibi version of himself. He dropped it on the ground and it launched itself at Reyn, shouting, "For Shulky-Shulk!"

He then dumped the entire bag and hundreds of Chibi Hades began pouring out, swarming the three villains that dared to attempt to violate Shulk's anal cavity.

What started as an almost **** turned into complete war as Hades grabbed Shulk and jumped out of the building, leaving the villains to fight against an army of himself.

As they flew through the sky, a sleigh with eight flying reindeer appeared in the distance. Sensing that they would collide, Hades punched one of the reindeer once they got close, sending the sleigh and fat man driving it straight to the ground.

Once they landed far away, Hades smiled.

"Shulk-Shulk, I brought some mistleto—"

"I OBJECT TO THIS SHIP!"

And then Fiora, Vanea, Palutena, Samus, Wii Fit Trainer, Rosalina, and Riki appeared through a dimensional rift!

"ROLLY POLLY KEEP ON ROLLING!" Riki shouted as he led the horny women into battle against the God of the Underworld.

The battle was brutal, sexy, and brutally sexy.

While they were engaged in it, Shulk began to sneak away. Once he'd gotten far enough, he turns to the viewer, yes YOU, removes a bell from his pocket and shouts to you as he jingles it, "MERRY CHRISTMAS! I'M REALLY JINGLING IT!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: The Benefits of Lightning**

Shulk was relaxing in his room in the Smash Castle in space like every other Tuesday, pondering the meaning of his now tragic and sex-ridden existence.

'I can't even leave my room without being attacked. Not even my Monado is trustworthy! Hades keep appearing in my dreams too... I need some help,'the blond bishie animu character thought.

So, he resolved in his heart to visit his good friend and mentor, Dunban's left ar—... I mean, Dunban. Because the hot-sauce daddy known a D-Ban was part of Shulk's Chain-Attack, his room was relatively close. It was only on the third floor. Shulk just didn't know if that was up or down due to them being in space and he had no way to know because Master Hand is a horrible troll.

As soon as he exited his room...

**CRASH!  
**  
A bolt of lightning crashed upon his silky blond hair and penetrated deep into his body. In an instant, he got really small! It was a shame to all the fangirls out there.

"Oh no, not aga—"

He was cut off as a hand came out of nowhere and picked him up. It was a delicate hand. Not a master or crazy hand, but a girl's hand. Which could only mean one thing.

He was kidnapped again.

"Aww. Why'd you have to shrink him? He's so small now," Palutena commented from the side.

"He is a skilled swordsman. Even I could not defeat him. Anyway, mother once told me that it is not the size that matters, but how one uses it," Lucina said, teensy-Shulk in one hand.

"Your dad was small too?" Palutena asked as the two girls began to walk through the halls.

Lucina shook her head. "I still do not understand the meaning of her statement."

In despair, Shulk continued to struggle uselessly.

* * *

"So... What do we do with him?" Lucina asked once they reached their room. Luckily, nobody stopped them on their way. Palutena smiled and poked the tiny Shulk with one finger before pouting and holding her hand out to Lucina. The blue-haired waifu of swords passed Shulk into Palutena's waiting hand.

"Well~ We could use him as a double-sided dildo," Palutena said with a heavenly smile. The sudden fear of death via suffocation or crushing turned Shulk as pale as Fem!Robin's butt. He could see the vision now...

"Monado III!" He shouted, summoning his True, God-Slaying MAN-ado into his hands. In fear, Palutena shrieked and dropped Shulk. However, her leaning back caused her knee to impact with Shulk's face, sending him flying across the room at Lucina. With her quick reflexes, Lucina drew her sword.

Only to realize she couldn't cut Shulk in half! That would be insane! And messy! So, in that moment, she hesitated, her mouth slightly ajar...

Shulk's world suddenly turned dark. His legs kicked, but he only touched the empty air. The humid cave he found himself in was Lucina's mouth!

On the outside, Lucina started freaking out, unsure what to do with the sudden invasion of her facial orifice! Palutena, now recovered, launched a godly uppercut into Lucina's stomach, causing her to spit Shulk out!

Flying from the impact, Shulk spiraled through the air. As he flew, he looked down to see Lucina clutching her stomach in pain and Palutena reaching for him, fear still slightly present on her face.

_'I can't let them catch me! Not again! This is my chance to escape! You will know my name when I refuse to enage the enemy!' _Shulk thought with a grimace on his face. He raised his Monado III and prepared to do... well, something with it. Then, all of a sudden, the door burst open and two blurs entered the room. The first stood between Lucina and Palutena whereas the second jumped into the air and grabbed Shulk before landing gracefully on the ground.

"Shulk! Are you okay?!" Melia asked, cute little Shulk in her gloved hand. He nodded, relieved. He was safe. "Good. The lightning bolt should be gone within the hour. We've been searching all over you."

_'We...?'_

Shulk turned over to see the other intruder scolding the two women.

"You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Taking advantage of Shulk like this! Don't you have to lead by example, Palutena?! And aren't you married, Lucina?!"

It was a glorious vision.

In the center of the room...

Was Dunban. Wearing nothing but a towel. He must have ran out of the shower in a hurry. Nobody could peel their eyes away from the D-Ban.

When he saw Shulk, he smiled and began to walk towards him.

Then, without any warning at all, Dunban's towel fell to the ground.

"Oooooooooooh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Hades said as he poked his head in through the doorway. The sight attracted everyone else. Samus, Zelda, Rosalina, the Monado, even Mumkhar came back from the dead!

That night Dunban solved all of Shulk's girl problems... at least for a week. Once somebody sleeps with the D-Ban, they can't sit down or walk for a week. Because he was born in a world of strife, and, against the odds, he chooses to fight. With his dick. **PEEEEENIIIIIIS DAAAAAAAAANCE!**

**Once again, Naked Dunban solves everything.**

* * *

A/N: This story comes from the Shulk thread/convo on Smashboards and has been edited to flow together and remove a few inside jokes so the general populace can better appreciate it. You might have seen parts of it floating around the internet, but this is the first time it's ever been put together as one piece. Thanks to all the Bronados who searched through over 500 pages of conversation to find the fragments of my literature!

The real question is: How many other ways can people think of to capture Shulk?


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Melia Gear Rising: Reveangeance**

* * *

Melia had Shulk in her hands.

There were only a few seconds to do something. So, while the great sex master D-Ban was using his swag to create a baby with Palutena in an alternate world named sex master junior, Lao, Melia took off running.

"M-Melia?! What are you doing?!" Shulk exclaimed, mere seconds before her gloved finger tightened around his mouth. Melia ran out into the hallway and jumped out the window of the Smash Castle in Space. Any ordinary person would have died immediately because physics is actually a thing, but Melia had already called her secret weapon.

"Dobermech, assemble!" She shouted.

Suddenly, hundreds of trillions of interdimensional dobercorgies winked into existence. They perfectly melded together to form a giant dobercorgie! The interior had perfect gravity, atmosphere, and fluffiness because that many freaking dobercorgies defies reality with sheer willpower. Melia let go of Shulk and he turned to normal size. Dobercorgis poured out of the wall and locked their paws around his limbs, trapping him.

"Shulk! Before you say anything, I need to confess!" She cried from the bottom of her heart. Shulk, taken aback by this, could not respond.

"I like your ass!" Melia blurted out. She couldn't stop herself. "It's so nice and firm and round and I really would like to poke it!"

Shulk was stunned. He never knew... he never knew she wanted to poke his ass so badly.

The Monado was on full alert.

"Poke his ass?! The only thing entering that is my blade!" The Monadong shouted.

Suddenly, a pile of dobercorgies were pushed away from the wall as a cardboard box flew through the air and hit Melia in a face. Little did Melia know, the Smash veterans that weren't allowed into Smash 4 were freely floating in the space outside the Smash Castle! And her Dobermech looked just like a...

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMETAL GEAR!" Snake screamed as leapt into the Dobermech and grappled Melia. She tried to blast him off with magic, but he kind of had her by the throat, so it wasn't really working. Outside the Dobermech, Pokemon Trainer, Ice Climbers, Wolf and Pichu were hacking away dobercorgi pile. Roy wasn't there because he was technically in smash.

Shulk used his brutish nerd strength and broke free of the fluffy little dogs that overpowered him.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the Smash Castle!**

* * *

Hades had assembled the cast of Smash 4 to save Shekle from Melia!

"SMASH CASTLE, TRANSFORM!"

A myriad of metallic pieces and parts moved around, forming a gigantic bone! For, uhh, dogs.

"SMASH CASTLE, FIRE THE ULTIMATE FINAL WEAPON!" Hades shouted.

"B-But the fight just starte—"

* * *

Shulk heard the words. The words that foretold the end. Even as Melia was being choked out by Snake and dobercorgies were being helplessly slaughtered, he heard them.

"YOU CAN'T HAVE A REYNBOW WITHOUT REYN, BABY!"

Flying towards them at Mach 35, was Reyn with a reynbow flowing out of his butt. He was like a bootiful nyan cat that looked like Reyn. A Renyan cat.

Reyn burst through the Dobermech's defenses, grabbed Shulk's Monado, and then jammed it where the sun didn't shine. And then he mashed X for Buster. He mashed X so hard that the universe began to shift slightly. X permeated the universe, binded people together by their butts.

And that's how Xenoblade X was created.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: That One Part Where There's Conflict and Stuff**

"It's you~!"

Shulk ran through the field of flowers, a smile on his face.

Across from him, running towards him, was the Monado with legs.

"Shulk~!" The Monado cried out as arms extended from it as well. The two were in peace, in a perfect world free from distractions. At long last, they could finally be together. It was pure harmony.

However, before they could unite, a figure flashed into existence between them.

"Come here, Shulky-Shulk!"

It... was Hades.

* * *

The Lovenado awoke from a nightmare. Well, the being inside awoke, but who it is exactly is a spoiler, so I'm not going to tell you it is Zanza. Last it remembered, the Lovenado was just a Monado, but now, after piercing Shulk's behind, it had attained a new form. No longer would it be Monado I or Monado II. The circle that showed the symbol of its arts was now heart shaped and possessed an even more phallic blade.

"That hole is mine, thank you very much," Hades said as he removed the Lovenado from Shulk's butt. Everything else had vanished. The universe had been unmade from the result of the destruction caused by the creation of a new universe. This level of nonsense was too much for even Alvis, the cpu... Aw crap, that was a spoiler too.

"Huh... what's going on?" Shulk asked, dazed and confused.

Hades picked Shulk up bridal style and said, "Shulky-Shulk, we must create a new universe. The old one was destroyed by a gloryhole..."

With one swift motion, Shulk picked up the Lovenado and raised it to the sky.

"What we wish for... is a world with no—"

"You better not say gods!" A voice shouted in distress.

Suddenly, the lights turned on, revealing they were just in somebody's room. Judging by the amount of Shulk merchandise (including a mousepad with Shulk's pecks to support the wrist) it was probably Hades' room. Palutena was at that door, out of breath and sweating. After catching her breath, she pointed at Hades as she looked towards Shulk.

"Wish for a world without him, but I'm still around! That's what you should do! He almost made you remake the universe! Hades, stop being so horrible and using poor Shulk like that! You just wanted to take over the next universe he created by holding him when he made it!" Palutena ranted.

Shocked by this, Shulk got out of Hades' arms and looked towards him, heartbroken. If what she said was true, then Hades would be the only god in a universe without any other. It would be Hades' world and Shulk wasn't sure he'd have the heart or power to defeat Hades if that happened.

"Hades... is this true? Were you just... using me...?" Shulk asked, his voice breaking. Hades stepped away smiling.

"Of course I was! Haha!" And then he vanished.

"What a dick," Palutena, the goddess of Light, muttered under her breath.

Then Hades reappeared.

"Thanks! I grew it myself!"

And then he disappeared again.

* * *

A few hours later, Shulk was playing with his Lovenado outside his room in the Smash Lair and his mind returned to Hades.

_'He'll be back. And when that day comes... I'll get a real explanation from him...'_

Suddenly, he felt a small tugging on his shirt. He turned to see a small blonde kid with a relatively happy expression.

"H-Hello?"

The kid didn't say anything in return but he held up a sign that read:

[Hello! My name is Lucas! I'm new around here. Nice to meet you!]

Shulk chuckled as he introduced himself in return. Lucas then saw the Lovenado and looked it curiously. Shulk chuckled again as Lucas' innocent mind couldn't comprehend what his Monado now was. Shelk tried to hide behind his back.

"This is nothing. Don't worry abou—"

**_VRRRRRRBRBRBRBRBBRBRBRBRBRBR!_**

Shulk accidentally hit the new switch on the handle.

His Lovenado was vibrating.

Embarrassed, Shulk ran away, leaving a very confused Lucas.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Love Mii**

Shulk was in his room, being an angsty bitch because he thought Hades was using him all this time.

"Hey Shulk, stop being an angsty bitch!" A voice called out. He turned around and saw a familiar face.

"REYN?!" He exclaimed as he saw what looked somewhat almost kinda similar to his friend. Except it was short and cartoony and it was a Mii.

"No, I'm Neyn!" The Mii happily exclaimed. Indeed it looked like a failed version of Reyn that deserved to burn in the hell that Hades wasn't in.

_'Hades...' _Shulk thought as his butt began to hurt. How he missed that loud-mouthed, large-dicked god...

"Stop being an angsty bitch!" Neyn exclaimed in that same happy voice before slapping him on the butt. Shulk sighed. It was so easy to say, but could he really give up on Hades like that? No, he needed to find the truth. With the Lovenado in his hands, he'd transmit his true feelings to Hades. But... how could he ever face him agai—

"Stop being angsty bitch!" Another voice called out as it slapped him on the butt. He turned to see a disgusting amalgamation of facial features with blond hair.

"Who are you?" He asked cautiously. The horrible Mii smiled.

"I Diki! Mii of great Heropon!" The Mii exclaimed. First Neyn, and then Diki... How many of these guys were there?!

"I'm Fiorump!"

"I am Nolia!"

"I'm Nopeban!

All these Miis of his beloved party members who traveled with him on the Bionis were slowly closing in on him. T-This was impossible! He was in Smash now! They all couldn't be here, right?! Who was creating these Miis, no, these _monsters!_

"I'm Mumkhar, Monado Boooooooooooooy!" Mumkhar exclaimed as he slid out from underneath Shulk's bed in nothing but a ribbon that covered his oh so important parts. Bizarrely enough, he wasn't a Mii like the rest of them.

"LOVE MII!" All of them, including Mumkhar, exclaimed as they pounced on him.

* * *

Outside, the female Robin watched on with Palutena.

"You really think this will help him not be sad during sex?" The waifu strategist asked. Waifutena didn't pay attention as she continued to snap pics with her camera.

"This one's nice... I could use this one... Melia would definitely buy this one for a pretty penny... Oh, I know Zelda is into this..." She muttered as she fell into a giggling fit.

The Fem!Robin sighed. It was things like this that stopped her ship with Shulk from sailing.


	9. Chapter 9

**LOVENADO: THE FINAL CHAPTER**

**FINISHED**

He'd found love and lost, fell to despair and was slapped out of it, and now… there was only path left to him.

Shulk had one goal.

He needed to find Hades again. Hades, who used him. Hades, who left him. With his Lovenado, he'd show Hades how he felt. Probably through sex.

Which was why Shulk needed _her_ help.

"You want to go to Hell, dear? I know much quicker ways than what you're proposing," Bayonetta said with a smirk as she sexily posed for literally no reason. Shulk shook his head and almost choked on his own hair.

"I need to be able to **come** back. You're the only person here who's been there and back. You must take me," Shulk answered, filled with determination and cheap references.

"Well then, you'll need us too," a voice said from the doorway.

Shulk turned to see…

And it was . . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

That cocky son of a bitch Cloud surrounded by his waifus and Waluigi. He had followed Cloud because he, too, was a cold and a broken Waluigi.

Cloud smirked and flipped his dick in a fabulous manner. It had taken a long, long time for him to procure this treasure, involving a deal with Kyuubey and Kars with a razor.

"What a pain…"

Following behind Cloud was Shulk's childhood friend and sandwich making extraordinaire, Fiora! Who was only hot when she was robotic. Who was she again? Anyway, Fiora entered the room with another robotic girl.

"Shulk, we'll help. Don't worry, my girlfriend KOS-MOS and I can be of assistance!" Fiora said cheerily before suddenly making out with KOS-MOS. Shulk's Buster grew three sizes that day as his Robo-waifu fetish raged silently into the night. Bayonetta, upon noticing this situation, got bored and left to kill a disappointing final boss in Bayonetta 2. Then the room suddenly shook and a loud beat began to play.

This was…

This could only be...

Something was either incredibly wrong or incredibly right. It was . . . Phoenix Wright!

...No, no it wasn't.

He

HAS NO STYLE

HE HAS NO GRACE

THIS MONADONG

HAS A METAL FACE

Upon hearing this mysterious chant, Shulk looked up into the sky to see a giant Mumkhadicksonban, the trifusion of the ultimate gods of sex.

"WE HAVE HEARD YOUR REQUEST! AND SHALL GRANT YOU SAFE PASSAGE INTO HADES' DOMAIN, YOUNGADO BOY!"

The world fell away.

And Shulk found himself before his one true love; Riki.

"HEROPON BEAT MEAT GOOD!" He exclaimed in a joyful manner as he removed his soft vest.

"UH, SORRY. WRONG DOMAIN," Mumkhadicksonban apologized as the world fell away onto its face again.

Now, standing there, looking cocky as ever… was Hades.

"Ah, Shulky-Shulk. I thought I left you with that oh so self-righteous goddess of light."

Shulk didn't say a word. He pulled his Lovenado out of his pants and pressed a button.

It began to vibrate.

Hades' eyes narrowed. Was this it? Was this the extent of his determination? No, he saw something great growing within Shulk's eyes, within his pants. The young boy was serious.

"Hades… You know where this is going, right?" Shulk asked. Hades smiled viciously.

"Oh? Where exactly?" 

Shulk suddenly charged forward and screamed his battle cry.

"UP YOUR AAAAAAAAAAASS!"

Hades reeled back in surprise, but as he did, he tripped on a conveniently-placed Waluigi. As he fell backwards, limbs flailing, his legs spread, one sticking straight up in the air. For a single moment, his godly buttocks were exposed.

That one moment was all Shulk needed.

He closed the distance between them in a single bound, and before the God of the Underworld could even twitch his finger, the young Homs engineer rammed the Hypnozapper up the anal cavity of the deity in a single smooth, strong motion.

The howls of pain could be heard from across the multiverse, and some swore that there were cries of ecstasy mixed therein. 

For a brief moment, there was peace. Wars stopped. Robbers paused. Even the worst serial killers felt remorse. This single feeling of happiness spread through everyone and most hugged one another or at least humped each others' legs.

Shulk pulled out.

"Now, do you understand?" He asked the defeated god. "This was my True Monado all along."

Hades merely whimpered in pain, curled up in a fetal position on the floor.

As Shulk took a step towards him, the world shifted.

No.

Something was wrong with all of this.

He felt something akin to a bolt of electricity shoot through his mind.

Why was he here? How did he get here? Hades? He pegged Hades? What the bloody hell? Wa? That was too far from whom he really was. It was too much out of character. How did this whole sexventure even start?

Shulk realized he had no answers.

Then, he noticed something off about the Lovenado.

It was glowing with a dark energy.

'_Don't you see, Shulk? See how he whimpers? Truly… I'm the only one for you…'_

The Lovenado electrocuted him suddenly, causing him to drop it before it rose to float in the air before him.

'_This world. This reality. This… story. IT'S ALL MINE.'_

And the Lovenado twisted and turned, shifting into a fusion between two gods.

"I AM ZANZA. I AM HADES. I AM…. ZANZADES!"

Shulk suppressed a laugh… but I slapped him.

Nobody makes fun of MY new name. 

Shulk laughed anyways.

He didn't need any god-author telling him what to do.

But then he fell down a hole. Because plot.

No, Shulk didn't. He has just as much a say in this story as anybody else.

Yes, Shulk did. Because Alvis said so.

Shut up, Reyn.

You shut up first, Melia.

No, we have to tell this story to the littlepons. We can at least _try_ to make it more coherent.

Fine, fine. He didn't fall down a hole. He fell into a spike pit.

REYN!

"Now it's Reyn time!" came a mighty shout, as Shulk's huge, muscular friend stood behind him in the spike pit. Almost entirely naked, except for a sock covering his little Reyn. 

Shulk, annoyed by the presence of Reyn and… Reyn junior, began to dig in the wall frantically. He wanted out of this hell hole as soon as possible.

But he was too slow.

"Wild Down!" shouted Reyn, toppling Shulk. "BONE UPPER!" he shouted, plunging his Reyn Jr. into Shulk's Rho Oasis. "HAMMER BEAT!" Reyn continued. Tears began to run down the Wielder of the Monado III's face, but he had to do it to please the two Reyns. "MAGNUM CHARGE!" shouted Reyn as he equipped a Haste VI gem on the smaller Reyn.

At this point, Zanzadong or whatever looked down in the spiked pit to see butt sex. In his rage, he ASSumed his final form.

"DON'T YOU SEE, FOOLS?! MY BUTT IS BIGGER, FASTER AND STRONGER TOO!"

And he grew and shifted as mustard and mayonnaise coated his nude body. Then the succulent MEAT and bread covered him and they all saw him for what he truly was.

The Sandwionis. The god made of infinite sandwiches.

Reyn and Shulk ceased their love-making to observe the reappearance of the legendary Sandwionis.

Butt just then, they heard it:

"BESTEST!" It was the Noponis. Could he have arrived to do battle with the Sandwionis? Maybe even a little… more? "RAISE YOUR DONGER" the god demanded as it began to show its 'littlepon.'

"NOPONIS," the Sandwionis began, "MY LOAF HAS RISEN. PERHAPS YOUR LITTLEPON IS INSUFFICIENT!"

Using this distraction, Shulk and Reyn got on each others' shoulders and climbed out of the glory hole.

The Sandwionis fired salami out of its nipples at the approaching giant Nopon titan that could only be described as Oka's fetish. Still remaining from the previous fight, Waluigi began to devour the hot juicy meat that missed its target. He then removed his shirt, his sculpted abs glistening in the sunlight. Even the Sandwionis and Noponis had to stop what they were doing to stare in awe and the sex god that had revealed himself before them. Waluigi, with a seductive "Waa...!" removed his tight leather overalls, showing the world his warp pipe in all its glory.

"I'M NUMBER ONE!" He murmured with bedroom eyes.

The god of desire in Geek mythology; Waluigi knew damn well he was good looking. After spending minutes appreciating his own body, he exclaimed a hearty "WA!"

Shulk and Reyn were left below the titanic nipplami fight and steathily sneaked past Waluigi, distracting him temporarily with shiny pocket change. This however was only temporary, as the WAA can never be truly avoided. With the sounds of giant battle sex in the distance, the two sat on the ground and watched the folly of man.

"Hey, Reyn?" Shulk asked. "How did it ever come to this?"

Reyn shrugged.

"I fucked your mum," he replied with a smirk. Shulk playfully punched him back because he knew all along that Reyn was his father.

"I think. I think we should go home. Back to Melia and Sharla. And to that other girl that's not a robot; Fiorump. Oh, and Dunban too. Things got too weird," Shulk said.

"What about Riki?" Reyn asked as he slowly caressed Shulk's carrot with his Scrap Driver. The man had an excellent vegetable garden.

Shulk smiled as "Heropon beat meat good!" echoed in his head repeatedly.

"I think he's the one driving the Noponis. Let him have Hades and Zanzadong. Besides, everyone in Smash all still wants to go back to Melee anyways, and I wasn't a part of that. At least back home, every butt has a name attached to it," Shulk said with a grin.

Reyn sighed.

"You're right on that. Let's go home."

And then they jumped into a portal and went home.

But when they got home, they saw two similarly robed strategists standing before them.

"Robins…" Shulk said. "Do you not want this to end already? This... madness? I'm sure you both have places to go home to."

The strategists lifted their robes, revealing that they wore nothing underneath.

"Shulk," the female Robin said as she took a step towards him. "I need your child. Chrom is impotent. He's not Lucina's real father."

The male robin stepped forward.

"Shulk," the male Batman and Robin said, "I want to touch your butt."

Shulk looked towards Reyn and the beautiful mass of muscle nodded in approval.

One last time. One last ride.

Together, they dyed the world white.

The end.

Reyn finished his story with Melia after what felt like at least a year, but he couldn't be happier. Well, the littlepon they were telling it to either committed suicide, suffered permanent scarring, or simply became as mad as the story itself, but Reyn felt the entire thing to be a success.

When he told Shulk of his "Lovenado Chronicles" story, the blond haired animu protagonist simply shook his head and said one, single sentence.

"What the fuck, Reyn?"

**THE END**


End file.
